I haven't exactly been satisfied by the way that i feel like i'm living - feeling like i'm not able to do things i want to, but also not being able to finish the things that i have to do either. It's not a new feeling, and i'm not inexperienced in this regard, but all i can do is to try and experiment to see what works better and what doesn't work.

 I keep thinking that i'll get my life together, so i've ben setting alarms for the things that i need to do - the classwork that's supposed to be done every day (autobiography, reflective journaling, and self-awareness workbook), and have an alarm for dinner, and to sit and write my blog posts on Tuesdays. But even when i keep up with this work, i think i forget that i have other things that i want to do - like the homework that i have for specific days, tests, assignments, taking walks in he morning, reading books, and all the other little things to do. I feel like i don't really have enough time in my day to do everything that i want to do. 

We spoke about something similar in class yesterday in response to the question "Am i taking care of myself physically?". It turned to a conversation about sleeping early and waking up early. I don't believe that the timings of our sleep are meant to be that rigid between individuals. I believe that there are meant to be vast individual differences, and that the circadian rhythm might be a hoax the way that the 2 chromosomal sexes are kind of a hoax (i feel like this is a controversial take that i cant back up because i don't have the evidence, but for some reason, this is my very strong belief. Maybe one day i'll be able to look for the research more decisively). The conversation steered first towards bedtime procrastination - wanting to stay awake for longer in the bed because that's the only time a lot of people get to themselves to do what they want to do - and then towards feeling like there isn't enough time in the day to do everything that we want to do, how it affects adults doing their job, us doing a diploma course, and even children in school whose workload has become so much that they necessarily have to stay up to do everything they've been given to finish. 

I feel like i've also been told, in many ways, from my mother telling me to wake up and go walking with her in the early morning at least twice a week, to my grandparents sleeping at 9 and waking up before 5 and bragging about it to us, and this has influenced how i think i'm supposed to be sleeping and waking. I feel like i should be sleeping early and waking up early, even though that isn't always possible for me. What my ideal schedule would look like is something along the lines of:

1. Waking up before the sun.

 2. Watching the sun rise and spending some time reading in the sunlight. 

3. Having breakfast that comprises of a tea, then a breakfast food, and then a fruit. 

4. Getting any work that i need to get done done. 

5. Taking a bath and getting ready for college. 

6. Eating lunch. 

7. Going to college, attending my class, and coming back. 

8. Dinner. 

9. Walk and then finish anything else i  need to get done with. 

10. Following a structured bedtime hygiene. 

11. Going to bed early.

For reference, waking up would be at about 5.30 - 6 am, then breakfast would be 7, bathing would be 11, lunch at 12, then coming back from college and dinner at 6.30, sleeping at 10 pm or before. 

Clearly my idea is unrealistic by most standards, because i find i hard to do things in the cold, i have more work to do than that, and i talk to people throughout the day, and that's not exactly based on the most predictable schedule. Even now, i'm writing this post because i got a reminder at 10 am since its a Tuesday, and then at 10pm i'm gonna get a reminder to post it, but i also have some material to read for today's class that doesn't fit into the schedule that i've made for Tuesdays. There's no way for me to win. Maybe it's time to change my expectations a little bit, but then it just feels like i'm failing in some regard, and it's become glaringly obvious to me that it must be at least somewhat related to the idea of productivity that's been drilled into us all, including me. 

I'm trying to use time blocking to get done with what i need to get done, but the only real solution that i can see is to have more time in my day, and that'll only really be possible if i change how i sleep. I have to see what i can do with that, and modify it after experimenting thoroughly. I'll write about it again if  i ever see any improvement. 

With sleepy eyes, and a warm cup of tea, Raccoon.